Sunday, September 05, 2004

If I were cheese I'd be Kraft Singles

Did I mention that I went to a wedding this weekend?

Have I ever mentioned the dating hiatus?

Did I tell you my grandmother is in town?

Do you know that Grandma tends to be quite open in her line of fire questioning?

Great. Lets get on with the post.

This story starts with me shopping for a dress to wear to the wedding. The dress I found was the first and only one that I tried on.

Loved it.

Bought it.

End of story. Or so I thought.

Turns out it was the beginning of the story...

I ran into my sister on the front porch of the reception hall. Her greeting to me was "Holy shit...you are getting picked up tonight." I explained that was not the motivation when purchasing the dress, walked inside with her and heard the woman in the entry whisper loudly, "Horizontal stripes? Bitch."

Whisper QUIETER next time.

Rookie.

We were promptly greeted by my toddling neice and her tall glass of Kiddy Kocktail. Without hestitation she spilled it at our feet. Sis whisked her off to the bathroom to clean her up, I bellied up to the bar to order another round of Kiddy Kocktails.

The night went wonderfully, I had a great time, my mother showed up to tend to her grandchildren which worked out quite nicely. I was surrounded by off-duty officers, single and otherwise, and spent an unaccounted for amount of time out on the dance floor.

I boogied.

I oogied.

I even did the polka.

At one point I was asked who the lucky guy was. I thought they were inquiring about the groom which seemed totally fucking odd to me that a wedding guest wouldn't know the groom.

I rattled on about how I knew the groom, what a great guy he is, on and on and near the end of my rattle was asked, "I'm not asking about HIM," and they pointed across the room at the groom.

"Who is your DATE?"

awfuckme....here we go again.

"I came alone" I answered hoping that would fulfill the inquiry.

"Why?" they asked.

"Oy," I thought in my head.

"It cost me a lot of fucking money to get this single status," I quipped "I didn't spend all that hard earned money for nothing yaknow".

And on and on the night went with questions from various individuals about why I don't date, attempts to set me up and one request for a future date.

As I talked to one adorable gent my sister joined the conversation. Two minutes into it she announced that we - we being me and he - are an adddddooooooooooorable couple and really ought to get married.

Who the hell bought her shots?

I left my house alone.

I returned to it alone.

I like to be consistent so as not to confuse the residential pets.

The next day in various conversations with attendees from the night before I was asked if anyone asked me out.

Seriously, why is my dating status such a fucking fascination for people?

No. No. No. No. No. I didn't accept or make any date offers.

thankyouverymuch.

Today I spent the afternoon with Grandma. She explained that in conversation with Relative A it was questioned whether or not I was in a relationship. Grandma correctly responded, "As if she has time for that." And the conversation promptly ended.

Until this afternoon when she saw me.

Are you seeing anybody?

No.

Are you interested in dating?

No.

Maybe if you went to church?

No.

Are there any single men in your neighborhood?

No.

I heard you got a new job, what about...

No.

Do you miss having a man around to do some of the chores?

No.

Wouldn't it be...

No.

Don't you think...

No.

I eventually told her it cost me a lot of money to be single. To undo this status is going to take a man that has a lot of money to will to me and one foot in the grave.

"Oh, that's a good way to do it, honey." she responded.

End of conversation.

[Return later for Part II of this post where I tell you precisely why I don't date and why I have no intention of dating anytime in the very near future.]

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